50 KNOCKING?

By the time I turn 50, by the grace of Almighty God, I want to be the funkiest, hippest, happiest, most swaggerlicious 50-year-old ever. I'm already working on it. There shall be no pot belly, no scraggly beard or bushy hair, no wearing of lace all day with Yoruba cap, no chewing of tobacco, and no calling of my wife Mama Serena.

I won't sit on my butt scolding the government for not doing this or not doing that. I will be the change I want to see.

I won't form sugar daddy for any small girl but I will encourage them to rise above their limitations and be what they want to be with a view to changing the narratives surrounding their peculiar vulnerabilities. I won't do side-chicks because my main chick would be more than trendy enough for me because I won't deform her by stressing with too much childbearing. 2 is enough, I don't want a football team.

I won't go out to eat nkwobi and isiewu with my guys while my family remains at home eating tuwo three times daily. If we have money for only one stick of suya and plenty onions and carbage, all of us will share that one stick and drink enough water to wash it down.

I will exercise daily and avoid the temptation to indulge in junk foods so that my waistline won't expand astronomically thereby rendering me shapeless. I will continue to have a close relationship with my bicycle and badminton rackets. I will drink lots of water and eat lots of vegetables and declare red meat my arch enemy.

I will not stop my wife from reaching her fullest potentials just because I don't want her to become richer than me and start forming oga for me. If she wan form oga, so be it. I no fit shout.

I will keep learning new dance styles so long as they are not lewd or immoral. That's because I want to have a veritable means to express my happiness even in the privacy of my personal domain. I will ensure that I remain internet savvy so that small small boys and girls will not be calling me oldschool.

I will develop my hobbies and keep a close-knit circle of friends who are good conversationalists and know how to play indoor games like chess, scrabble, whot, ludo, etc.

I will keep exercising my brain to avoid memory loss by learning new languages, learning to write with my left hand, and solving complex mathematical equations.

You can choose to look like any of these three men in the pictures below when you turn 50. The choice is yours, and the work starts now.

So help me God.

Dear 50, I no dey fear you again. In fact, I no fit wait sef.