7 SALIENT THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT MARRIAGE BEFORE YOU WED

There are many disturbing truths about marriage. To me (Quora), the most disturbing is how the actual thing is so vastly different than anything it’s purported to be.

1. Marriage is not unconditional love

There is hate. Resentment. There is bitterness. Isolation. Betrayal. And pain. You can't feel love for your spouse 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. It's just not honestly possible. Most times you have to fill up the space by pretending to love.

2. Marriage has inertia

There are times when we cannot access our love. Sometimes, it’s marriage – not love – that keeps us married. This thing manifests in shared cutlery and mattresses, anniversary rituals and holiday cards – this thing sometimes keeps us together.

3. Marriage is not the agent nor the perfection of you

It doesn’t fill your cracks and makes you complete. It’s not what you’re missing in life. It’s not the fulfillment of your true self. Marriage doesn’t do anything; it – perhaps – allows you to do things.

4. Marriage is not enough

Marriage is not a signal of success or achievement to the world. I’ve done this, I’m married, stop worrying, stop doubting. Perhaps for a while, but not for long. Not for ever. The what’s next questions persist. And nothing – not even marriage – is immune.

5. Marriage can be a bad thing

Marriage endures beyond lies, beyond broken trust, broken dreams – if you want it to, it can. Marriages – good marriages, ones that work – must exist in dark spaces too, not just the light.

6. Marriage has no baseline

With a few exceptions, there is no standard of what is good, normal, acceptable, and what is not. No one can tell you what to do with it, about it, it is entirely your responsibility to manage your marriage. There is no right answer so don’t seek one.

7. Marriage is bigger than you. Bigger than both of you

If my answer sounds like marriage is this mythical thing that cuddles in bed with you and your spouse and at times steals sheets – that’s because it is. Well, it’s not mythical, but it’s there, amorphous. It’s the third thing, between you, in your relationship.

It’s a responsibility, a commitment, a power, a profound intimacy. Ensuring we are seen, witnessed and bound to another before we expire. More than any other social institution we have as humans. 

Marriage doesn't have an everyday sweetness guarantee. There are sour tastes too. You have to be prepared for all.




by QUORA